How My Relationship with My Father Shaped Me—and Why Forgiveness Wasn’t Enough
My relationship with my father was complicated in ways that left lasting marks on my life. On the surface, people might have seen a father and daughter, but underneath, it was a landscape of hidden abuse, manipulation, and fear.
As a child, I longed for safety, for protection, for the kind of unconditional love every child deserves. Instead, I learned that the person who was supposed to keep me safe could also hurt me the most. The abuse I experienced wasn’t just physical or emotional—it was invisible to everyone else, leaving me to navigate fear, shame, and confusion mostly alone.
That dynamic shaped me in ways I didn’t fully understand for years. I carried anger, hypervigilance, and deep mistrust. I learned to hide my emotions, to protect myself at all costs, and to distrust anyone who claimed they cared. I also internalized the belief that my feelings didn’t matter—that love came with conditions, and pain was something I had to endure silently. As I grew, I tried forgiveness. I wanted to release the anger, the hurt, the rage that had taken over my thoughts and actions.
Forgiveness was powerful—it freed me from carrying resentment constantly—but it wasn’t a magic fix. Forgiving him didn’t erase the trauma, the patterns I’d learned, or the ways the abuse had shaped my behavior, my relationships, and my self-perception.
I realized that healing isn’t the same as forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice; healing is a process. Healing required that I face my pain, acknowledge the ways I had been harmed, and reclaim control over my life. It required boundaries, reflection, faith, and consistent work to retrain my nervous system and my thoughts. It required saying, “This pain shaped me, but it does not define me,” every day.
My relationship with my father taught me survival in its rawest form, but it also taught me something essential: love and trauma can coexist, but pain left unaddressed will follow you into adulthood.
Forgiveness opened the door to peace in my heart, but only intentional healing built the life I wanted beyond fear and anger. Today, I am still working through the layers of this trauma, but I am no longer controlled by it.
I have learned to regulate my emotions, respond intentionally instead of reactively, and build relationships rooted in trust and faith. I honor the lessons from my father’s failings without letting them dictate my present.
Forgiveness was the first step—but not the only step. Healing, faith, and action were the steps that truly set me free.
